Some movies just stay with you forever no matter what. It’s not like you add them to a Top 10 or even a Top 50 list of your favorite movies, but yet you keep stumbling across it. THE STUFF is like that for me. I’ve seen it at least fifty times, probably more than that, but if you were to ask me why I watch it at least once a year I couldn’t really tell you. I didn’t seek it out at the time, I’m not even a big Larry D. Cohen fan. Yet here I am nearly forty years later still enjoying the hell out of this thing. It stars Michael Moriarty, Garrett Morris, Andrea Marcovicci, Paul Sorvino and Scott Bloom, and it was directed and written by Larry D. Cohen. Welcome to BAD MOVIE MONDAY!
Quick Recap! When COVID shut down everything in early 2020, I started an online bad movie night get-together with some friends that we eventually dubbed “Bad Movie Monday”. The premise was simple: We’d torture each other every Monday with the worst trash we could find, tell a few jokes, cheer each other up, and in the process maybe discover some weird obscure cinema that we might never have seen any other way. This series of reviews will feature highlights of those night so you can all share in the fun and maybe get some ideas for your own movie night.
THE STUFF is meant as a satire of the corporate world and of how unethical it is, and I truly appreciate that. How many movies have had the balls to even mention the subject, much less parody it? So, while often unsuccessful at achieving what it set out to do THE STUFF at least has lofty noble goals. You just don’t see movies like this anymore and that’s why I picked it for movie night many moons ago. It’s an old favorite that I enjoy showing to my friends.
Despite all the love, I have to be honest and say that the movie’s script is not quite sure what it’s trying to do and the editing is a holy mess. There are STILL moments where I’m confused as to what happened or why, or even who it happened to. It also commits the number one sin of a bad movie. Which is that it goes into great detail about things you don’t really need to know and then remains cryptic about things you desperately need to know in order to understand what’s going on. Take, for example, the titular “Stuff”. It is never defined what its powers and limitations are. Is it a sentient organism or an addictive substance… or both? If it’s intelligent, what is its plan? If it has a plan, then is the company that sells The Stuff working along with it or it being controlled by it? This one is especially important since the whole satire of how corporations are greedy and immoral enough to willingly sell a hugely destructive and addictive product kind of goes out the window if they’re not choosing to do this. If it’s The Stuff trying to take over the world, or in this case eat the world from the inside, then it’s just another alien invasion movie without the aliens.
Also, why does The Stuff hollow out some people but not others? Does it want to take over the world, or just eat people? Is it consciously in control of its victims or are they just so addicted to it that they’ll do whatever they can to get their fix and act out on their most basic violent impulses? The answer to all those questions is a resounding and confident “DON’T KNOW!” because the movie either doesn’t give answers or gives vague and sometimes contradictory answers.
However, I can’t complain too much because the film showcases some of my favorite performances by Paul Sorvino and Garrett Morris, and my absolute favorite performance by Michael Moriarty. Any actor can look good onscreen when they have a good script, but it takes a certain kind of genius to look good with a bad script. So Moriarty’s a legend in my book. He’s right up there with Christopher George, John Saxon, and Stuart Whitman. Moriarty’s character in the movie, Mo Rutherford, is alternately funny, charming, manipulative, utterly corrupt, utterly honest and genuine, and always the smartest person in the room. He also has some of my favorite one-liners in movie history:
“The name’s Mo Rutherford. They call me that ’cause when people give me money, I always want mo.”
“No one is as dumb as I appear to be.”
“Everybody has to eat shaving cream once in a while.”
“…if that thing tries to kill me, you kill me first!”
“Are you eating it or is it eating you?”
Good stuff! Pun intended. So, what’s the back of the VHS box say about all this?
“It’s smooth and creamy! It’s delicious! It isn’t filling! It’s taken the country by storm…. and it KILLS! It’s THE STUFF!
The newest taste sensation is outselling ice cream two-to-one and merchants can’t keep up with the voracious demand. In order to save their failing businesses, an ice cream industry saboteur (Michael Moriarty) and a junk food mogul (Garrett Morris) attempt to uncover the manufacturing secrets of THE STUFF. They soon discover the horrifying truth about THE STUFF – that it is a living and all-consuming parasite that turns its hosts into walking zombies!
Threatened on all sides and trusting no one, they suddenly find themselves in the middle of a last-ditch effort to ward off this invasion of the brand-name body snatchers and save the country from the grip of this insidious and monstrous dessert!”
It’s a pretty decent spoiler-free synopsis, but it isn’t as effective as the trailer. Which is one of the few 1980s era trailer that I feel hasn’t aged badly. Go watch it and you’ll see. It’s still damn chilling.
Now, onto my favorite part of the review where I mention ten things that go through my mind as I watch the movie:
#1 A deadpan Michael Moriarty is funnier than most comedians
#2 I believe Garrett Morris’s hands are lethal weapons
#3 I don’t think Larry Cohen had ever directed child actors before, and it shows
#4 The advertising parodies in this are so spot on that they’re often more realistic than REAL ads
#5 Moriarty’s hairpiece deserves its own credit.
#6 I would totally buy cookies from a guy called “Chocolate Chip Charlie”
#7 This movie’s script is one or two more drafts away from being a work of genius.
#8 Garrett Morris and Paul Sorvino both play some of the most colorful characters in their careers, and that is saying something.
#9 Andrea Marcovicci gives Dee Wallace Stone a run for her money in being sweet, mom-like, huggable and charming.
#10 The last twenty five minutes of this movie are impossible to predict because I don’t think even Larry Cohen knew what was going to happen. It’s all over the damn place.
